It was a good thing Marlene was a Christian and a lady, otherwise she would have slapped every one of those Hens right across the face a long time ago. Thankfully there was no need to. Karma came to town one Tuesday afternoon and punched a couple of Hens right between the eyes!

Someone gave the county police an anonymous tip about the illegal colon cleansing place. The police acted quickly because the caller proclaimed that the lady operating the joint was doing a little something extra on the side. The “elixir” she offered patients to relax them before their procedures was actually pure peach moonshine she was making in her backyard. As fate would have it, the bust occurred just as Millie and Jan’s colons were being cleansed. So, there they were, lying on metal tables in the woman’s basement, tanked up on moonshine, with plastic hoses coming out of their orifices! The detectives for the police department will be making jokes about those posteriors for posterity.

Although Millie and Jan probably wouldn’t serve any time in the pokey, they did appear on the local television news and on the front page of the Coleman Gazette. The news footage of the colon bust was the best! Millie and Jan had towels over their heads. Like people didn’t know who they were! They were so drunk from the moonshine that they had to be carried to the squad cars. It took four big men to carry each of them! After they sobered up, the two were questioned at the station. They tried to portray it like the colon cleansing lady got them drunk and then took advantage of them.

That story was blown to bits when the police found two checks that Millie and Jan had used to pre-pay for their elixirs and cleansings. Jan’s check noted “elixir and colon cleansing in the bottom corner.”  In typical Millie and Jan fashion, their first question for officers was whether or not they could get refunded since they didn’t receive the full service they paid for.

            Millie had spent much of her life in litigation. She’s tried to sue half the town. No doubt, she would try to bring a suit against Carla the Colon Cleanser, the police, the media, and anyone else she feels has shamed or shorted her in any way.

Millie’s daughter Ellie caught trench mouth when she was fourteen. Ellie got it after playing spin- the-bottle at Jenny Bledsoe’s party. Millie became bound and determined to get to the bottom of whoever gave her daughter trench mouth and sue them for medical expenses and pain and suffering. She also threatened to sue Jenny Bledsoe’s parents for not being better chaperones.    

She got Ellie to give her a list of all the boys she kissed. Then, she went to the home of every boy on that list with a pen light and a tongue depressor. Millie marched right up to every one of those boys’ homes and demanded to examine their mouths. The parents were so intimidated that they caved and allowed Millie to look in their sons' mouths for signs of the affliction that had struck Ellie. All of the parents, except one.

Millie got a run for her money when she showed up at Jessie Deakins’s house. Susie, Jessie’s momma, was not a woman to be messed with. Nobody wanted to be on her bad side. Susie told Millie that she’d call the police if she laid a hand on her son. Furthermore, she urged Millie to drop the whole issue. Or else, she’d tell the whole town that precious little Ellie had upped the ante of spin-the-bottle when she decided to play seven minutes in heaven with Brad Benson down in the furnace room of Jennie Bledsoe’s house. The matter of Ellie’s trench mouth was soon dropped!        

News of the colonics raid had even reached Marlene’s parents in Florida. Marlene’s mom called and told her that their whole retirement community thought the story was just hysterical. Marlene’s parents were the most popular residents after that all the retirees knew about their connection to the illegal colonics solicitors. Marlene’s momma was telling all of the ladies in her quilting group that, “It couldn’t happen to two more well-deserving ladies. They’ve shown their butts all their lives. Now, they’ve just gotten caught!”